Just Smile

It's become too much of a problem. It's already sprawled too far out of my control, but at least I should try and minimize the damage. At the end of the day, it was all, essentially, my fault. 

I'm tired of trying to be happy, of feeling this hurt, this remorse, of being so incredibly lonely every waking moment, of dreaming about the what-ifs, and having my own mind tell me it's just a flight of fancy. I can't even escape into my own head properly anymore. I don't even wake up to the hollowness. It's always there now, just gnawing away with every passing second.

I want those masks back. I want my barriers, my lies. I want to be able to look at somebody in the eye, and tell them that I've never been happier, that nothing could ever bring me down from this high. Forget me as I am now. I ventured too close to the sun. I wanted... I was an idiot. Just.

I just need to smile now. 

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.

Lost

I chose this life. I could have stopped at any point, told myself it was a bad idea, and just stopped trying. I was given so many outs, questioned so many times. When she and I had that last huge falling out, there was my most legitimate excuse. But I went ahead and kept on making mistakes.

It's just... so utterly confusing right now. I hate being around her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She makes me feel so completely idiotic, and... I feel like I always have to be on point. Keep my guard up. Defend every little thing I do. I hate it. I honestly do.

But whenever she's not around... I know I'm stupid. I know I can never be anything close to what I want to be with her. I know we will, at most, just be friends, co-workers. I know she's got something else.

I know this, these things, and yet I still insist, day in, day out...

I... I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to get right in the mind. I don't know how to get over her. I just...

I just really want to drift off and leave this all behind. I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't think like that, but...