Numbing Out

I can understand why she was upset. Honestly, I should have reined it in. But I just didn't feel right that night. Everything coming down at once, a deluge of misery. Can't really help anyone in my life. Can't really fix myself. I indulged too much, and I felt it all flooding in, overwhelming, and I just wanted to not feel that way for just a little while. Now I'm just an insensitive asshole to her, and I don't quite know how to go about fixing this.

Maybe this is for the best. Seeing her, spending time with her, it made me so happy, but the separation was devastating. The disappointment, the frustration. I don't know... I haven't seen or talked to her for a few days now, and while it feels like shit, I'm slowly numbing out. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but at least there are no severe lows recently. No heady highs either, but I guess I should get used to that. Just a constant low, but a familiar one.

Just Smile

It's become too much of a problem. It's already sprawled too far out of my control, but at least I should try and minimize the damage. At the end of the day, it was all, essentially, my fault. 

I'm tired of trying to be happy, of feeling this hurt, this remorse, of being so incredibly lonely every waking moment, of dreaming about the what-ifs, and having my own mind tell me it's just a flight of fancy. I can't even escape into my own head properly anymore. I don't even wake up to the hollowness. It's always there now, just gnawing away with every passing second.

I want those masks back. I want my barriers, my lies. I want to be able to look at somebody in the eye, and tell them that I've never been happier, that nothing could ever bring me down from this high. Forget me as I am now. I ventured too close to the sun. I wanted... I was an idiot. Just.

I just need to smile now. 

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.

Lost

I chose this life. I could have stopped at any point, told myself it was a bad idea, and just stopped trying. I was given so many outs, questioned so many times. When she and I had that last huge falling out, there was my most legitimate excuse. But I went ahead and kept on making mistakes.

It's just... so utterly confusing right now. I hate being around her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She makes me feel so completely idiotic, and... I feel like I always have to be on point. Keep my guard up. Defend every little thing I do. I hate it. I honestly do.

But whenever she's not around... I know I'm stupid. I know I can never be anything close to what I want to be with her. I know we will, at most, just be friends, co-workers. I know she's got something else.

I know this, these things, and yet I still insist, day in, day out...

I... I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to get right in the mind. I don't know how to get over her. I just...

I just really want to drift off and leave this all behind. I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't think like that, but...

Milestones

Even during the roll, I felt strangely okay with the whole situation. The looming promise of death, the uncertainty of what lies beyond... for a few moments there, I felt at peace, and embraced it. I could feel it with every tremble, every roll, every groan and wail of steel against concrete. As random stray items flew about the cabin of my car, unsure of how to orient themselves amidst the wheeling chaos, I sat quietly in my seat, recounting the many failures that defined my life, over and over again, knowing  that they would soon fade away into nothingness.

I felt almost cheated when I came to.

The subsequent fall-out has been difficult, but I have never expected things to ever really go my way, not for a long time at least. A failure in life at all things, my only contribution to the world a jumble of half-finished lamentations at the cruelty of life. It's hardly unique.

Never something I can talk about with others, and when I do, I know I end up burdening them, or making them uncomfortable to the point of estrangement. I try running to familiar shoulders, and only then do I realize how badly I had handled those relationships before. I try to act the part of a friend, but sometimes end up forcing my own selfish agenda upon them, all because, at the end of the day, I care more about what I want than what's best for the friendship.

Is it even worth trying anymore. I could have handled it in a much healthier and better fashion, but I let ambition and selfishness blind me to the fact that I was ruining it with every single misstep. Even when I try to back away, it doesn't erase the past, and it always comes back up. 

I can't even die right, how can I manage to fix this...

Something's Burning. Hopefully External is Not on Fire...

I am absolutely terrible at keeping up with blogs nowadays. Well, at least I don't have a follower base! Freedom! Whoo!

New job, new outlook on life (read: slightly less pessimistic), and new external hard drive! :D

Also, new violin. ^_^ I'm gonna try and be really Asian, and learn a fancy classical instrument.

Also, T-ara.

OMG ZOMBIES!

The original MV version was good, but that shit's 20 minutes long, and it's a story sequel, so... well, I liked it, so maybe go check it out on youtube!