// Sweet dreams, turns into coffee in the morning. //
So I slipped pretty hard on the cigarette front... But at least the other resolutions are beginning to take shape.
Cigarette intake is, at least, reduced. Down to five cigarettes, from half a pack or more. One on the drive to work, two or three during, one on the drive back from work. The cold weather is probably a large factor. I'm hoping for a reduction to three (one before work, one during, one after), then we'll see where it goes from there.
I picked up a more consistent coffee habit. At least a cup a day during work. Straight black, Cafe Du Monde, using my little phin filter.
Yay for Donald!
Seems to help with curbing the appetite, along with my supplements. I was pretty bad this weekend, what with gorging on food for some odd reason, but I seem to behave on the weekdays. Maybe I just need more coffee during my free time... O_o
Now I just need to focus on waking up early enough in the morning to get an hour of exercise in. Gotta get fit! Motivation! Motivation!
Leaving y'all with a little bit of Miguel croonin. :) Ta-ta.
// Thinking too much, don't fall into desperation. A world that changes constantly feels like tricking a child. //
2015 will be the year that I start correcting my life. I know it's a fairly common thing to say, at the start of a new year. Oh, I will DEFINITELY do X, Y, and Z things THIS year.
No. This... this has to stick. With how everything has been going so far, with how far gone I've let myself slip... I need this to work, so I can look back at it and tell myself that I can get through this. This isn't how life should be, how I imagined I would be. That I am not just the end result of my past trials and tribulations. That I can move beyond drowning in my memories. This CAN'T be it.
First on the agenda...
This will be the last cigarette that I will actively go out and buy.
I'm not going to lie to myself, and say that I will never smoke another cigarette again. The vape just doesn't have that same sensation that cigarettes give me. I will probably slip up. There's no paper burn, no mildly acrid scent of leaves and chemicals quietly sizzling away between my fingers with a vape. Using the e-cigarette... it just feels so detached, so... odd. The smoke tastes wildly different; although more pleasant, I always find myself looking for that mild burn at the back of your throat that comes from a real cigarette, that little kick that, oddly enough, tells you you're alive.
I will probably slip up eventually. I know myself.
But for now, I will no longer actively buy cigarettes. I will not actively ask for cigarettes. I will charge my vape, and have it on me at all times. I will not let "not having it on me" be the excuse to relapse into the old habits.
I need to make this stick, if not for my health, then, at the very least, to let me know that I can control my life. I'm not just a creature of habit, a slave to impulse.
It's going to be hard. The habit has become nearly a pack a day at this point. Wake up, smoke. Drive to work, smoke. Take a break at work, smoke. Stress out over things in life, smoke. Leave work, smoke. Eat, then smoke. Go drinking, definitely smoke.
I'm not quite sure how to disassociate drinking from smoking just yet... at least I don't drink as much as I used to. We'll see.
I remember how, all those years ago, writing helped me focus on the task at hand, or distract me from my problems, at least for a little while. I remember how I used to vent my heart out through text, and even though no one else was there to read it, it was... soothing.
I'm going to try and use that, during this quitting process. Blog about it. The cravings. The slip ups. The random thoughts, temptations, issues, whatever else may crop up. Hopefully I can find a way to work through it all.
I guess I'm rambling again. Some things never change, lol.
About the only nice part of all of this is the appetite curb. 20 pounds down, yay...
It feels weird hearing the Weeknd on the radio nowadays. Took long enough for the man to get some radio play.
Wicked Games. My favorite track of his. Loft Music had that somewhat awkward end portion that I didn't really like so much...
I know that I should just go on and do me, but there's just no more motivation to anymore. Getting harder to wake up in the mornings, migraines are becoming more and more common... oh well.
Don't really have much to say... dunno why I'm even posting lol...
I may have taken too many pills at once. I didn't think I had exceeded dosage, but I'm feeling strangely faint right now, and a headache's developing. Trying to flush the system right now with copious amounts of water. Was going to take this 8 hour alert pill that GNC gave out as a free sample, but I probably shouldn't for today.
Should probably go to the doctor's to get my own prescription for migraine management. Also need to go get an eye exam and glasses. Oh well, sometime later.
Starting to try and get back on track. Nothing else to really do nowadays. Wake up, exercise a little, work, go home, exercise, sleep. Appetite's not really there. Good thing lol. Maybe I'll actually meet weight goal for once.
Should keep looking around for a different job. Not sure if I can really handle this sort of complication anymore at work. Stress dreams are killin nights, coupled with migraines and what might be a smoking-related complication. Dunno.
Fairly nice sounding song from Gummy. A nice change from the dance-centric kpop that I've been hearing lately.
Migraines are coming on more often. Sometimes it hurts to even look at the digital light from the clock when I wake up. Nothing really seems to dull the suck when it comes on in force. Been told that maybe I should go get my eye exam. Vision does seem to be deteriorating at a fairly slow but consistent rate. Harder to read road signs at night. Feels somewhat strange when ajusshi tells me I should cut back. Had more than a few people tell me the same thing recently. Waking up nights, unable to sleep. More and more moody. Odd aches and pains becoming more and more common. On some level, I know they're right. It's more an issue of whether or not I really care anymore. They all eventually fade away, though. Pushing people away, even while I yearn for some sort of connection. I miss her. But she's right. No matter how frustrated or angry I get with her over things she does, I give out worse. Unwilling to just air out grievances in a constructive manner. Lashing out. Getting jealous when it's not my place to be anything more than just supportive. She's right. I'm hurting her. If not already, eventually she'll become too fed up with everything I do. I just don't know what I should do. If I try to reestablish connection... I'll probably do it again. I'm not a good person, and I'm not good about handling myself. I should just cut ties now and let it be. I just... I don't really want to be around without her. It's stupid, it's selfish, and it's not constructive. There's no good reason for being so messed up over this. I just am. I can't think right. I can't function right. I can't stop and clear my head for one minute. She's always just there, and I can't seem to stop letting memories and regrets fill my mind. Even when I drink, there's only a small window where it all doesn't seem to matter. The escalation to and the subsequent decline after, it only makes it feel worse. When I peak though, for just a little while, everything seems so... even. I'm in the here and now, and my thoughts... they feel muddled, not as frantic. Nothing tearing at my mind, screaming for attention. Just one step at a time. An escape from the rigors. People are getting married. People are moving on with their lives. People are getting promotions, advancing, being happy, finding meaning. And I'm just being a stupid fuck, trying to just stay even, and failing at even that.
I can understand why she was upset. Honestly, I should have reined it in. But I just didn't feel right that night. Everything coming down at once, a deluge of misery. Can't really help anyone in my life. Can't really fix myself. I indulged too much, and I felt it all flooding in, overwhelming, and I just wanted to not feel that way for just a little while. Now I'm just an insensitive asshole to her, and I don't quite know how to go about fixing this. Maybe this is for the best. Seeing her, spending time with her, it made me so happy, but the separation was devastating. The disappointment, the frustration. I don't know... I haven't seen or talked to her for a few days now, and while it feels like shit, I'm slowly numbing out. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but at least there are no severe lows recently. No heady highs either, but I guess I should get used to that. Just a constant low, but a familiar one.
It's become too much of a problem. It's already sprawled too far out of my control, but at least I should try and minimize the damage. At the end of the day, it was all, essentially, my fault. I'm tired of trying to be happy, of feeling this hurt, this remorse, of being so incredibly lonely every waking moment, of dreaming about the what-ifs, and having my own mind tell me it's just a flight of fancy. I can't even escape into my own head properly anymore. I don't even wake up to the hollowness. It's always there now, just gnawing away with every passing second. I want those masks back. I want my barriers, my lies. I want to be able to look at somebody in the eye, and tell them that I've never been happier, that nothing could ever bring me down from this high. Forget me as I am now. I ventured too close to the sun. I wanted... I was an idiot. Just. I just need to smile now. Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
