Preparing for a New Year: First Resolution

// Thinking too much, don't fall into desperation. A world that changes constantly feels like tricking a child. //

2015 will be the year that I start correcting my life. I know it's a fairly common thing to say, at the start of a new year. Oh, I will DEFINITELY do X, Y, and Z things THIS year. 

No. This... this has to stick. With how everything has been going so far, with how far gone I've let myself slip... I need this to work, so I can look back at it and tell myself that I can get through this. This isn't how life should be, how I imagined I would be. That I am not just the end result of my past trials and tribulations. That I can move beyond drowning in my memories. This CAN'T be it.

First on the agenda...

This will be the last cigarette that I will actively go out and buy. 

I'm not going to lie to myself, and say that I will never smoke another cigarette again. The vape just doesn't have that same sensation that cigarettes give me. I will probably slip up. There's no paper burn, no mildly acrid scent of leaves and chemicals quietly sizzling away between my fingers with a vape. Using the e-cigarette... it just feels so detached, so... odd. The smoke tastes wildly different; although more pleasant, I always find myself looking for that mild burn at the back of your throat that comes from a real cigarette, that little kick that, oddly enough, tells you you're alive.

I will probably slip up eventually. I know myself. 

But for now, I will no longer actively buy cigarettes. I will not actively ask for cigarettes. I will charge my vape, and have it on me at all times. I will not let "not having it on me" be the excuse to relapse into the old habits.

I need to make this stick, if not for my health, then, at the very least, to let me know that I can control my life. I'm not just a creature of habit, a slave to impulse. 

It's going to be hard. The habit has become nearly a pack a day at this point. Wake up, smoke. Drive to work, smoke. Take a break at work, smoke. Stress out over things in life, smoke. Leave work, smoke. Eat, then smoke. Go drinking, definitely smoke. 

I'm not quite sure how to disassociate drinking from smoking just yet... at least I don't drink as much as I used to. We'll see.

I remember how, all those years ago, writing helped me focus on the task at hand, or distract me from my problems, at least for a little while. I remember how I used to vent my heart out through text, and even though no one else was there to read it, it was... soothing. 

I'm going to try and use that, during this quitting process. Blog about it. The cravings. The slip ups. The random thoughts, temptations, issues, whatever else may crop up. Hopefully I can find a way to work through it all.

I guess I'm rambling again. Some things never change, lol.

Take it away, Hikki...

Goddammit Anno...

So the third movie in the Neon Genesis Evangelion remake tetralogy is now slated for a Fall 2012 release, which is really, really ball busting. I was really expecting the next Rebuild to be out this fall or winter, not... not a whole year more into the future. =/ Considering the first one came out in 2007, and the second in 2009, I thought it was a fair enough assumption to expect 2011, right?

Although, they WERE planning on releasing 3 and 4 back to back... not sure how feasible that plan is nowadays, but that was the original intent...

Well, I'm off to airport work. Let's listen to some Utada Hikaru - Beautiful World. Aside from being an awesome song in its own right, it's also the theme for the new Rebuild movies, so yay!

Coming Back Positive

Well, it doesn't happen often, but I'm coming back from the Borgata trip net positive! No outstanding gambling loans, no guilt-ridden withdrawals from the ATM, no wandering the casino floor looking for random vouchers to cash and play... >_> And it was all thanks to slots! Who knew! Table games be damned, I'm gonna play me some Sex and the City! Even bought myself a nice Borgata hoodie. I think I'm going to start doing that with every positive trip. Maybe I'll actually have a small collection of casino related clothing by year's end.

... more likely though, I'll just have the one hoodie. <_<

So we just got back an hour ago, and I've got work in... two hours? I don't even know when I go in, but I'm gonna try to wake up in a few hours and call in to find out. I doubt that I'm scheduled for early entrance. Probably slated for a near opening shift or something.

I'm not gonna lie. I was kinda hoping we'd hit one of those big jackpot progressives so I could just quit and spend my time looking for my dream job. Also, sleeping in sounded nice today. Oh well.

An oldie but a damn goodie. Hikki's looking so amazingly cute, and all she's doing is the dishes.

Oh Hikki, what I wouldn't give to be those dishes...

........ <_<;;


On that... erm, not at all creepy note, good night/morning blog.


Utada Hikaru - Hikari