Preparing for a New Year: First Resolution

// Thinking too much, don't fall into desperation. A world that changes constantly feels like tricking a child. //

2015 will be the year that I start correcting my life. I know it's a fairly common thing to say, at the start of a new year. Oh, I will DEFINITELY do X, Y, and Z things THIS year. 

No. This... this has to stick. With how everything has been going so far, with how far gone I've let myself slip... I need this to work, so I can look back at it and tell myself that I can get through this. This isn't how life should be, how I imagined I would be. That I am not just the end result of my past trials and tribulations. That I can move beyond drowning in my memories. This CAN'T be it.

First on the agenda...

This will be the last cigarette that I will actively go out and buy. 

I'm not going to lie to myself, and say that I will never smoke another cigarette again. The vape just doesn't have that same sensation that cigarettes give me. I will probably slip up. There's no paper burn, no mildly acrid scent of leaves and chemicals quietly sizzling away between my fingers with a vape. Using the e-cigarette... it just feels so detached, so... odd. The smoke tastes wildly different; although more pleasant, I always find myself looking for that mild burn at the back of your throat that comes from a real cigarette, that little kick that, oddly enough, tells you you're alive.

I will probably slip up eventually. I know myself. 

But for now, I will no longer actively buy cigarettes. I will not actively ask for cigarettes. I will charge my vape, and have it on me at all times. I will not let "not having it on me" be the excuse to relapse into the old habits.

I need to make this stick, if not for my health, then, at the very least, to let me know that I can control my life. I'm not just a creature of habit, a slave to impulse. 

It's going to be hard. The habit has become nearly a pack a day at this point. Wake up, smoke. Drive to work, smoke. Take a break at work, smoke. Stress out over things in life, smoke. Leave work, smoke. Eat, then smoke. Go drinking, definitely smoke. 

I'm not quite sure how to disassociate drinking from smoking just yet... at least I don't drink as much as I used to. We'll see.

I remember how, all those years ago, writing helped me focus on the task at hand, or distract me from my problems, at least for a little while. I remember how I used to vent my heart out through text, and even though no one else was there to read it, it was... soothing. 

I'm going to try and use that, during this quitting process. Blog about it. The cravings. The slip ups. The random thoughts, temptations, issues, whatever else may crop up. Hopefully I can find a way to work through it all.

I guess I'm rambling again. Some things never change, lol.

Take it away, Hikki...