Lost

I chose this life. I could have stopped at any point, told myself it was a bad idea, and just stopped trying. I was given so many outs, questioned so many times. When she and I had that last huge falling out, there was my most legitimate excuse. But I went ahead and kept on making mistakes.

It's just... so utterly confusing right now. I hate being around her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She makes me feel so completely idiotic, and... I feel like I always have to be on point. Keep my guard up. Defend every little thing I do. I hate it. I honestly do.

But whenever she's not around... I know I'm stupid. I know I can never be anything close to what I want to be with her. I know we will, at most, just be friends, co-workers. I know she's got something else.

I know this, these things, and yet I still insist, day in, day out...

I... I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to get right in the mind. I don't know how to get over her. I just...

I just really want to drift off and leave this all behind. I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't think like that, but...