I chose this life. I could have stopped at any point, told myself it was a bad idea, and just stopped trying. I was given so many outs, questioned so many times. When she and I had that last huge falling out, there was my most legitimate excuse. But I went ahead and kept on making mistakes.
It's just... so utterly confusing right now. I hate being around her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She makes me feel so completely idiotic, and... I feel like I always have to be on point. Keep my guard up. Defend every little thing I do. I hate it. I honestly do.
But whenever she's not around... I know I'm stupid. I know I can never be anything close to what I want to be with her. I know we will, at most, just be friends, co-workers. I know she's got something else.
I know this, these things, and yet I still insist, day in, day out...
I... I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to get right in the mind. I don't know how to get over her. I just...
I just really want to drift off and leave this all behind. I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't think like that, but...
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Milestones
Even during the roll, I felt strangely okay with the whole situation. The looming promise of death, the uncertainty of what lies beyond... for a few moments there, I felt at peace, and embraced it. I could feel it with every tremble, every roll, every groan and wail of steel against concrete. As random stray items flew about the cabin of my car, unsure of how to orient themselves amidst the wheeling chaos, I sat quietly in my seat, recounting the many failures that defined my life, over and over again, knowing that they would soon fade away into nothingness.
I felt almost cheated when I came to.
The subsequent fall-out has been difficult, but I have never expected things to ever really go my way, not for a long time at least. A failure in life at all things, my only contribution to the world a jumble of half-finished lamentations at the cruelty of life. It's hardly unique.
Never something I can talk about with others, and when I do, I know I end up burdening them, or making them uncomfortable to the point of estrangement. I try running to familiar shoulders, and only then do I realize how badly I had handled those relationships before. I try to act the part of a friend, but sometimes end up forcing my own selfish agenda upon them, all because, at the end of the day, I care more about what I want than what's best for the friendship.
Is it even worth trying anymore. I could have handled it in a much healthier and better fashion, but I let ambition and selfishness blind me to the fact that I was ruining it with every single misstep. Even when I try to back away, it doesn't erase the past, and it always comes back up.
I can't even die right, how can I manage to fix this...
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Something's Burning. Hopefully External is Not on Fire...
I am absolutely terrible at keeping up with blogs nowadays. Well, at least I don't have a follower base! Freedom! Whoo!
New job, new outlook on life (read: slightly less pessimistic), and new external hard drive! :D
Also, new violin. ^_^ I'm gonna try and be really Asian, and learn a fancy classical instrument.
Also, T-ara.
OMG ZOMBIES!
The original MV version was good, but that shit's 20 minutes long, and it's a story sequel, so... well, I liked it, so maybe go check it out on youtube!
New job, new outlook on life (read: slightly less pessimistic), and new external hard drive! :D
Also, new violin. ^_^ I'm gonna try and be really Asian, and learn a fancy classical instrument.
Also, T-ara.
OMG ZOMBIES!
The original MV version was good, but that shit's 20 minutes long, and it's a story sequel, so... well, I liked it, so maybe go check it out on youtube!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sixth Sense is Out, Cop a Copy Now!
Thank God for time zone differences. It's Friday in South Korea, do YOU know where YOUR copy of Brown Eyed Girls' new album is?
I'll come back with another post in a little bit after I've had some time to digest the new tracks and mull over them a bit. For now, Brown Eyed Girls - Sixth Sense
I'll come back with another post in a little bit after I've had some time to digest the new tracks and mull over them a bit. For now, Brown Eyed Girls - Sixth Sense
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Only Half an Hour at the Gym...
I guess I should expect some warm-up time, coming back to the workout regimen. Hopefully I can ditch a dozen or more pounds by the birthday. Find a nice, steady 9-5 and lose weight, all that I should be concerned with right now.
Quit the job at Books-A-Million. Between the migraines, other people needing the car, and the sheer volume of hours I was trying to do, it was all getting to be a bit too much. While the reduction in revenue will be felt, at my current rate I can still pay rent, gas, the usual expenses, and start to pay my roomie back, so at least there's that.
While it's not a paid internship, the National Archives are taking volunteers to help. Hopefully, if I don't get a normal job offer soon, I can just get my foot in the door that way. Get on the site experience, flesh out the resume, meet people, that sort of thing.
Brown Eyed Girls new album is finally... ALMOST here. Hot Shot was released as a single a few days ago, and while it's not... QUITE what I wanted to hear, it's good to know that the group is still experimenting with their sound and are not content to try for an Abracadabra clone. I'll also admit, after a couple replays, the song's starting to grow on me. Probably not going on any playlists though.
Gah, my crushes on Miryo and Ga-in only grow by leaps and nerdy bounds! Miryo's so cute with the short short cut, and Ga-in is just as precious as always. ^_^
Here's the teaser for the Brown Eyed Girls - Hot Shot video. It's not the full audio, but that's easy enough to find.
Quit the job at Books-A-Million. Between the migraines, other people needing the car, and the sheer volume of hours I was trying to do, it was all getting to be a bit too much. While the reduction in revenue will be felt, at my current rate I can still pay rent, gas, the usual expenses, and start to pay my roomie back, so at least there's that.
While it's not a paid internship, the National Archives are taking volunteers to help. Hopefully, if I don't get a normal job offer soon, I can just get my foot in the door that way. Get on the site experience, flesh out the resume, meet people, that sort of thing.
Brown Eyed Girls new album is finally... ALMOST here. Hot Shot was released as a single a few days ago, and while it's not... QUITE what I wanted to hear, it's good to know that the group is still experimenting with their sound and are not content to try for an Abracadabra clone. I'll also admit, after a couple replays, the song's starting to grow on me. Probably not going on any playlists though.
Gah, my crushes on Miryo and Ga-in only grow by leaps and nerdy bounds! Miryo's so cute with the short short cut, and Ga-in is just as precious as always. ^_^
Here's the teaser for the Brown Eyed Girls - Hot Shot video. It's not the full audio, but that's easy enough to find.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Girl With the Really Cool Back Tattoo
Just saw The Girl Who Played With Fire, and I'm really looking forward to catching the last movie of the trilogy. Shopping around for a new clump of movies to watch, wondering what Korean films I haven't seen yet that I should look up. As interesting as movies about serial killers and revenge are, I think that whole theme is getting a bit old for my tastes. Maybe a Korean romcom next!
Somewhat put off by the Books-A-Million policy on discount card selling. Just had to sign a coaching form, where I had to acknowledge that I was not meeting quota and that I had to push the cards harder, yaddi yadda. I'm thinking that if they threaten to fire me, I'm just going to bounce and find work elsewhere. Minimum wage isn't worth that sort of hassling.
Ugh, I can't believe it's only Thursday morning... I really want it to be Borgata weekend so I can play some funny slots and maybe win some money. The scheduling manager hasn't been in during my shifts at the bookstore, so I haven't been able to talk to her about time off. I'm hoping that she won't make a big fuss out of me requesting that one Saturday off, especially since I've already taken this Saturday off. I'm PRETTY sure she'll be mad, but won't deny me the time off. If she does, I'm not sure what I would do. It's nice having a steady job for money, but the money's not that good, and the annoying tendencies of the higher-ups to make shit roll downhill is getting on my nerves. Maybe this will be my excuse to just leave this retail experiment and just get into crunch mode for Java. Almost five years of retail is a bit too much for my tastes.
The idea of quitting WoW is actually somewhat appealing, now that I've had some time to cool down and think about it. No more game commitments, no more monthly bill, no more feeling bad for fucking up in a game, no more nightly trolling. It's gonna be kinda sad, not talking to some of the players on a regular basis, but I'm sure I can find some way to keep in touch.
Anywho, here's Jennifer Chung - One Day. Her first full length album is out now, so be sure to give it a peruse! Remember to support these up and coming artists!
Somewhat put off by the Books-A-Million policy on discount card selling. Just had to sign a coaching form, where I had to acknowledge that I was not meeting quota and that I had to push the cards harder, yaddi yadda. I'm thinking that if they threaten to fire me, I'm just going to bounce and find work elsewhere. Minimum wage isn't worth that sort of hassling.
Ugh, I can't believe it's only Thursday morning... I really want it to be Borgata weekend so I can play some funny slots and maybe win some money. The scheduling manager hasn't been in during my shifts at the bookstore, so I haven't been able to talk to her about time off. I'm hoping that she won't make a big fuss out of me requesting that one Saturday off, especially since I've already taken this Saturday off. I'm PRETTY sure she'll be mad, but won't deny me the time off. If she does, I'm not sure what I would do. It's nice having a steady job for money, but the money's not that good, and the annoying tendencies of the higher-ups to make shit roll downhill is getting on my nerves. Maybe this will be my excuse to just leave this retail experiment and just get into crunch mode for Java. Almost five years of retail is a bit too much for my tastes.
The idea of quitting WoW is actually somewhat appealing, now that I've had some time to cool down and think about it. No more game commitments, no more monthly bill, no more feeling bad for fucking up in a game, no more nightly trolling. It's gonna be kinda sad, not talking to some of the players on a regular basis, but I'm sure I can find some way to keep in touch.
Anywho, here's Jennifer Chung - One Day. Her first full length album is out now, so be sure to give it a peruse! Remember to support these up and coming artists!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
First Day Off, Thinking About...
First day off in a while. Not quite sure what I should do with my time. Probably start working more on the Java studies. I've been slacking severely on it, with the excuse of work and being tired helping me put off the whole endeavor. I really shouldn't. When I wake up then!
I enjoy talking about Vietnamese history. It's interesting to me to know more about the motherland, and understand how things came to be. I like learning about Ho Chi Minh, and how he and the United States government interacted with one another over the decades. Personally, while I don't particularly agree with what he did, I can understand why Ho did what he did, and I do rag on the US a bit for the missteps.
That doesn't mean I enjoy communists and communism. There's a very big reason why my family immigrated to the United States after the fall of Saigon. We didn't come over because we liked the weather any better. We didn't come over because we heard that disco was pretty swell. We fled. Family members died during the war, communist reeducation camps were sprouting up, and my family had ties to the wrong side come 1975. A lot of families had to flee in the wake of American withdrawal and communist takeover. A lot of families, mine included, had to take to boats that weren't sea-worthy, and brave dangerous, shark-infested waters. They had to deal with pirates, and while my family was fortunate enough to only lose some money, many others suffered much worse fates. They were made to stay in refugee camps in neighboring countries, before finally being shipped to America. It's a fairly common story for a large portion of the Vietnamese population that came over during the 70's.
So, I'm going to get mad if there's any insinuation at all that there's red in my wool, my family's wool, or anywhere close to the bloodline. Frankly, even just asking whether or not I had any red family members is MORE than enough to set me off. I don't care if it was an honest to God question with only the best of intentions behind it. Know your damn history, and just don't ASK those questions. It's basic. Vietnam War ends. Communists win. All of a sudden, there's a flood of Viets in America. Hurr.
But even if you decide to ask me that question, if you hear me get mad, REALLY mad, drop the fucking subject. I don't care if you apologize, I don't care if you don't, it doesn't fucking matter. I'm just mad, it'll be okay. But when I say to you "You DON'T ask a person from a communist country if they have communist family members", I'm NOT asking you to try and undermine my statement by turning to a Chinese friend and asking them if they're communist. Their humorous response makes you feel all the more confident that you're in the clear and that it's perfectly awesome and fun to ask me if my family, MY family who lost people, who went through all this shit because of communism, that it's perfectly fine to ask me that STUPID question.
WHY. You KNOW me well enough, or at least I HONESTLY HOPE YOU DO, to know when I'm mad. WHY DO YOU PUSH THE ISSUE. BECAUSE YOU FEEL BUTT-HURT THAT I'M YELLING AT YOU? BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M BEING UNREASONABLE? YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE A FRIEND SAYS IT'S OKAY TO ASK THAT QUESTION THAT IT'S OKAY TO ASK ME? KNOW YOUR FUCKING AUDIENCE.
You don't know my family background. That's fair. You were curious. Fine. Is it unreasonable that I get mad? Yes, because I should just be able to explain my dislike of the conversation in a calm and considerate tone. But why do you insist on pushing the issue, knowing how mad I am? Why do you ALWAYS insist on trolling?
I enjoy talking about Vietnamese history. It's interesting to me to know more about the motherland, and understand how things came to be. I like learning about Ho Chi Minh, and how he and the United States government interacted with one another over the decades. Personally, while I don't particularly agree with what he did, I can understand why Ho did what he did, and I do rag on the US a bit for the missteps.
That doesn't mean I enjoy communists and communism. There's a very big reason why my family immigrated to the United States after the fall of Saigon. We didn't come over because we liked the weather any better. We didn't come over because we heard that disco was pretty swell. We fled. Family members died during the war, communist reeducation camps were sprouting up, and my family had ties to the wrong side come 1975. A lot of families had to flee in the wake of American withdrawal and communist takeover. A lot of families, mine included, had to take to boats that weren't sea-worthy, and brave dangerous, shark-infested waters. They had to deal with pirates, and while my family was fortunate enough to only lose some money, many others suffered much worse fates. They were made to stay in refugee camps in neighboring countries, before finally being shipped to America. It's a fairly common story for a large portion of the Vietnamese population that came over during the 70's.
So, I'm going to get mad if there's any insinuation at all that there's red in my wool, my family's wool, or anywhere close to the bloodline. Frankly, even just asking whether or not I had any red family members is MORE than enough to set me off. I don't care if it was an honest to God question with only the best of intentions behind it. Know your damn history, and just don't ASK those questions. It's basic. Vietnam War ends. Communists win. All of a sudden, there's a flood of Viets in America. Hurr.
But even if you decide to ask me that question, if you hear me get mad, REALLY mad, drop the fucking subject. I don't care if you apologize, I don't care if you don't, it doesn't fucking matter. I'm just mad, it'll be okay. But when I say to you "You DON'T ask a person from a communist country if they have communist family members", I'm NOT asking you to try and undermine my statement by turning to a Chinese friend and asking them if they're communist. Their humorous response makes you feel all the more confident that you're in the clear and that it's perfectly awesome and fun to ask me if my family, MY family who lost people, who went through all this shit because of communism, that it's perfectly fine to ask me that STUPID question.
WHY. You KNOW me well enough, or at least I HONESTLY HOPE YOU DO, to know when I'm mad. WHY DO YOU PUSH THE ISSUE. BECAUSE YOU FEEL BUTT-HURT THAT I'M YELLING AT YOU? BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M BEING UNREASONABLE? YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE A FRIEND SAYS IT'S OKAY TO ASK THAT QUESTION THAT IT'S OKAY TO ASK ME? KNOW YOUR FUCKING AUDIENCE.
You don't know my family background. That's fair. You were curious. Fine. Is it unreasonable that I get mad? Yes, because I should just be able to explain my dislike of the conversation in a calm and considerate tone. But why do you insist on pushing the issue, knowing how mad I am? Why do you ALWAYS insist on trolling?
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