// Sweet dreams, turns into coffee in the morning. //
So I slipped pretty hard on the cigarette front... But at least the other resolutions are beginning to take shape.
Cigarette intake is, at least, reduced. Down to five cigarettes, from half a pack or more. One on the drive to work, two or three during, one on the drive back from work. The cold weather is probably a large factor. I'm hoping for a reduction to three (one before work, one during, one after), then we'll see where it goes from there.
I picked up a more consistent coffee habit. At least a cup a day during work. Straight black, Cafe Du Monde, using my little phin filter.
Yay for Donald!
Seems to help with curbing the appetite, along with my supplements. I was pretty bad this weekend, what with gorging on food for some odd reason, but I seem to behave on the weekdays. Maybe I just need more coffee during my free time... O_o
Now I just need to focus on waking up early enough in the morning to get an hour of exercise in. Gotta get fit! Motivation! Motivation!
Leaving y'all with a little bit of Miguel croonin. :) Ta-ta.
// Thinking too much, don't fall into desperation. A world that changes constantly feels like tricking a child. //
2015 will be the year that I start correcting my life. I know it's a fairly common thing to say, at the start of a new year. Oh, I will DEFINITELY do X, Y, and Z things THIS year.
No. This... this has to stick. With how everything has been going so far, with how far gone I've let myself slip... I need this to work, so I can look back at it and tell myself that I can get through this. This isn't how life should be, how I imagined I would be. That I am not just the end result of my past trials and tribulations. That I can move beyond drowning in my memories. This CAN'T be it.
First on the agenda...
This will be the last cigarette that I will actively go out and buy.
I'm not going to lie to myself, and say that I will never smoke another cigarette again. The vape just doesn't have that same sensation that cigarettes give me. I will probably slip up. There's no paper burn, no mildly acrid scent of leaves and chemicals quietly sizzling away between my fingers with a vape. Using the e-cigarette... it just feels so detached, so... odd. The smoke tastes wildly different; although more pleasant, I always find myself looking for that mild burn at the back of your throat that comes from a real cigarette, that little kick that, oddly enough, tells you you're alive.
I will probably slip up eventually. I know myself.
But for now, I will no longer actively buy cigarettes. I will not actively ask for cigarettes. I will charge my vape, and have it on me at all times. I will not let "not having it on me" be the excuse to relapse into the old habits.
I need to make this stick, if not for my health, then, at the very least, to let me know that I can control my life. I'm not just a creature of habit, a slave to impulse.
It's going to be hard. The habit has become nearly a pack a day at this point. Wake up, smoke. Drive to work, smoke. Take a break at work, smoke. Stress out over things in life, smoke. Leave work, smoke. Eat, then smoke. Go drinking, definitely smoke.
I'm not quite sure how to disassociate drinking from smoking just yet... at least I don't drink as much as I used to. We'll see.
I remember how, all those years ago, writing helped me focus on the task at hand, or distract me from my problems, at least for a little while. I remember how I used to vent my heart out through text, and even though no one else was there to read it, it was... soothing.
I'm going to try and use that, during this quitting process. Blog about it. The cravings. The slip ups. The random thoughts, temptations, issues, whatever else may crop up. Hopefully I can find a way to work through it all.
I guess I'm rambling again. Some things never change, lol.
About the only nice part of all of this is the appetite curb. 20 pounds down, yay...
It feels weird hearing the Weeknd on the radio nowadays. Took long enough for the man to get some radio play.
Wicked Games. My favorite track of his. Loft Music had that somewhat awkward end portion that I didn't really like so much...
I know that I should just go on and do me, but there's just no more motivation to anymore. Getting harder to wake up in the mornings, migraines are becoming more and more common... oh well.
Don't really have much to say... dunno why I'm even posting lol...
I may have taken too many pills at once. I didn't think I had exceeded dosage, but I'm feeling strangely faint right now, and a headache's developing. Trying to flush the system right now with copious amounts of water. Was going to take this 8 hour alert pill that GNC gave out as a free sample, but I probably shouldn't for today.
Should probably go to the doctor's to get my own prescription for migraine management. Also need to go get an eye exam and glasses. Oh well, sometime later.
Starting to try and get back on track. Nothing else to really do nowadays. Wake up, exercise a little, work, go home, exercise, sleep. Appetite's not really there. Good thing lol. Maybe I'll actually meet weight goal for once.
Should keep looking around for a different job. Not sure if I can really handle this sort of complication anymore at work. Stress dreams are killin nights, coupled with migraines and what might be a smoking-related complication. Dunno.
Fairly nice sounding song from Gummy. A nice change from the dance-centric kpop that I've been hearing lately.
Migraines are coming on more often. Sometimes it hurts to even look at the digital light from the clock when I wake up. Nothing really seems to dull the suck when it comes on in force. Been told that maybe I should go get my eye exam. Vision does seem to be deteriorating at a fairly slow but consistent rate. Harder to read road signs at night. Feels somewhat strange when ajusshi tells me I should cut back. Had more than a few people tell me the same thing recently. Waking up nights, unable to sleep. More and more moody. Odd aches and pains becoming more and more common. On some level, I know they're right. It's more an issue of whether or not I really care anymore. They all eventually fade away, though. Pushing people away, even while I yearn for some sort of connection. I miss her. But she's right. No matter how frustrated or angry I get with her over things she does, I give out worse. Unwilling to just air out grievances in a constructive manner. Lashing out. Getting jealous when it's not my place to be anything more than just supportive. She's right. I'm hurting her. If not already, eventually she'll become too fed up with everything I do. I just don't know what I should do. If I try to reestablish connection... I'll probably do it again. I'm not a good person, and I'm not good about handling myself. I should just cut ties now and let it be. I just... I don't really want to be around without her. It's stupid, it's selfish, and it's not constructive. There's no good reason for being so messed up over this. I just am. I can't think right. I can't function right. I can't stop and clear my head for one minute. She's always just there, and I can't seem to stop letting memories and regrets fill my mind. Even when I drink, there's only a small window where it all doesn't seem to matter. The escalation to and the subsequent decline after, it only makes it feel worse. When I peak though, for just a little while, everything seems so... even. I'm in the here and now, and my thoughts... they feel muddled, not as frantic. Nothing tearing at my mind, screaming for attention. Just one step at a time. An escape from the rigors. People are getting married. People are moving on with their lives. People are getting promotions, advancing, being happy, finding meaning. And I'm just being a stupid fuck, trying to just stay even, and failing at even that.
I can understand why she was upset. Honestly, I should have reined it in. But I just didn't feel right that night. Everything coming down at once, a deluge of misery. Can't really help anyone in my life. Can't really fix myself. I indulged too much, and I felt it all flooding in, overwhelming, and I just wanted to not feel that way for just a little while. Now I'm just an insensitive asshole to her, and I don't quite know how to go about fixing this. Maybe this is for the best. Seeing her, spending time with her, it made me so happy, but the separation was devastating. The disappointment, the frustration. I don't know... I haven't seen or talked to her for a few days now, and while it feels like shit, I'm slowly numbing out. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but at least there are no severe lows recently. No heady highs either, but I guess I should get used to that. Just a constant low, but a familiar one.
It's become too much of a problem. It's already sprawled too far out of my control, but at least I should try and minimize the damage. At the end of the day, it was all, essentially, my fault. I'm tired of trying to be happy, of feeling this hurt, this remorse, of being so incredibly lonely every waking moment, of dreaming about the what-ifs, and having my own mind tell me it's just a flight of fancy. I can't even escape into my own head properly anymore. I don't even wake up to the hollowness. It's always there now, just gnawing away with every passing second. I want those masks back. I want my barriers, my lies. I want to be able to look at somebody in the eye, and tell them that I've never been happier, that nothing could ever bring me down from this high. Forget me as I am now. I ventured too close to the sun. I wanted... I was an idiot. Just. I just need to smile now. Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
I chose this life. I could have stopped at any point, told myself it was a bad idea, and just stopped trying. I was given so many outs, questioned so many times. When she and I had that last huge falling out, there was my most legitimate excuse. But I went ahead and kept on making mistakes. It's just... so utterly confusing right now. I hate being around her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. She makes me feel so completely idiotic, and... I feel like I always have to be on point. Keep my guard up. Defend every little thing I do. I hate it. I honestly do. But whenever she's not around... I know I'm stupid. I know I can never be anything close to what I want to be with her. I know we will, at most, just be friends, co-workers. I know she's got something else. I know this, these things, and yet I still insist, day in, day out... I... I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how to get right in the mind. I don't know how to get over her. I just... I just really want to drift off and leave this all behind. I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't think like that, but...
Even during the roll, I felt strangely okay with the whole situation. The looming promise of death, the uncertainty of what lies beyond... for a few moments there, I felt at peace, and embraced it. I could feel it with every tremble, every roll, every groan and wail of steel against concrete. As random stray items flew about the cabin of my car, unsure of how to orient themselves amidst the wheeling chaos, I sat quietly in my seat, recounting the many failures that defined my life, over and over again, knowing that they would soon fade away into nothingness.
I felt almost cheated when I came to.
The subsequent fall-out has been difficult, but I have never expected things to ever really go my way, not for a long time at least. A failure in life at all things, my only contribution to the world a jumble of half-finished lamentations at the cruelty of life. It's hardly unique.
Never something I can talk about with others, and when I do, I know I end up burdening them, or making them uncomfortable to the point of estrangement. I try running to familiar shoulders, and only then do I realize how badly I had handled those relationships before. I try to act the part of a friend, but sometimes end up forcing my own selfish agenda upon them, all because, at the end of the day, I care more about what I want than what's best for the friendship.
Is it even worth trying anymore. I could have handled it in a much healthier and better fashion, but I let ambition and selfishness blind me to the fact that I was ruining it with every single misstep. Even when I try to back away, it doesn't erase the past, and it always comes back up.
I can't even die right, how can I manage to fix this...
I am absolutely terrible at keeping up with blogs nowadays. Well, at least I don't have a follower base! Freedom! Whoo!
New job, new outlook on life (read: slightly less pessimistic), and new external hard drive! :D
Also, new violin. ^_^ I'm gonna try and be really Asian, and learn a fancy classical instrument.
Also, T-ara.
OMG ZOMBIES!
The original MV version was good, but that shit's 20 minutes long, and it's a story sequel, so... well, I liked it, so maybe go check it out on youtube!
Thank God for time zone differences. It's Friday in South Korea, do YOU know where YOUR copy of Brown Eyed Girls' new album is?
I'll come back with another post in a little bit after I've had some time to digest the new tracks and mull over them a bit. For now, Brown Eyed Girls - Sixth Sense
I guess I should expect some warm-up time, coming back to the workout regimen. Hopefully I can ditch a dozen or more pounds by the birthday. Find a nice, steady 9-5 and lose weight, all that I should be concerned with right now.
Quit the job at Books-A-Million. Between the migraines, other people needing the car, and the sheer volume of hours I was trying to do, it was all getting to be a bit too much. While the reduction in revenue will be felt, at my current rate I can still pay rent, gas, the usual expenses, and start to pay my roomie back, so at least there's that.
While it's not a paid internship, the National Archives are taking volunteers to help. Hopefully, if I don't get a normal job offer soon, I can just get my foot in the door that way. Get on the site experience, flesh out the resume, meet people, that sort of thing.
Brown Eyed Girls new album is finally... ALMOST here. Hot Shot was released as a single a few days ago, and while it's not... QUITE what I wanted to hear, it's good to know that the group is still experimenting with their sound and are not content to try for an Abracadabra clone. I'll also admit, after a couple replays, the song's starting to grow on me. Probably not going on any playlists though.
Gah, my crushes on Miryo and Ga-in only grow by leaps and nerdy bounds! Miryo's so cute with the short short cut, and Ga-in is just as precious as always. ^_^
Here's the teaser for the Brown Eyed Girls - Hot Shot video. It's not the full audio, but that's easy enough to find.
Just saw The Girl Who Played With Fire, and I'm really looking forward to catching the last movie of the trilogy. Shopping around for a new clump of movies to watch, wondering what Korean films I haven't seen yet that I should look up. As interesting as movies about serial killers and revenge are, I think that whole theme is getting a bit old for my tastes. Maybe a Korean romcom next!
Somewhat put off by the Books-A-Million policy on discount card selling. Just had to sign a coaching form, where I had to acknowledge that I was not meeting quota and that I had to push the cards harder, yaddi yadda. I'm thinking that if they threaten to fire me, I'm just going to bounce and find work elsewhere. Minimum wage isn't worth that sort of hassling.
Ugh, I can't believe it's only Thursday morning... I really want it to be Borgata weekend so I can play some funny slots and maybe win some money. The scheduling manager hasn't been in during my shifts at the bookstore, so I haven't been able to talk to her about time off. I'm hoping that she won't make a big fuss out of me requesting that one Saturday off, especially since I've already taken this Saturday off. I'm PRETTY sure she'll be mad, but won't deny me the time off. If she does, I'm not sure what I would do. It's nice having a steady job for money, but the money's not that good, and the annoying tendencies of the higher-ups to make shit roll downhill is getting on my nerves. Maybe this will be my excuse to just leave this retail experiment and just get into crunch mode for Java. Almost five years of retail is a bit too much for my tastes.
The idea of quitting WoW is actually somewhat appealing, now that I've had some time to cool down and think about it. No more game commitments, no more monthly bill, no more feeling bad for fucking up in a game, no more nightly trolling. It's gonna be kinda sad, not talking to some of the players on a regular basis, but I'm sure I can find some way to keep in touch.
Anywho, here's Jennifer Chung - One Day. Her first full length album is out now, so be sure to give it a peruse! Remember to support these up and coming artists!
First day off in a while. Not quite sure what I should do with my time. Probably start working more on the Java studies. I've been slacking severely on it, with the excuse of work and being tired helping me put off the whole endeavor. I really shouldn't. When I wake up then!
I enjoy talking about Vietnamese history. It's interesting to me to know more about the motherland, and understand how things came to be. I like learning about Ho Chi Minh, and how he and the United States government interacted with one another over the decades. Personally, while I don't particularly agree with what he did, I can understand why Ho did what he did, and I do rag on the US a bit for the missteps.
That doesn't mean I enjoy communists and communism. There's a very big reason why my family immigrated to the United States after the fall of Saigon. We didn't come over because we liked the weather any better. We didn't come over because we heard that disco was pretty swell. We fled. Family members died during the war, communist reeducation camps were sprouting up, and my family had ties to the wrong side come 1975. A lot of families had to flee in the wake of American withdrawal and communist takeover. A lot of families, mine included, had to take to boats that weren't sea-worthy, and brave dangerous, shark-infested waters. They had to deal with pirates, and while my family was fortunate enough to only lose some money, many others suffered much worse fates. They were made to stay in refugee camps in neighboring countries, before finally being shipped to America. It's a fairly common story for a large portion of the Vietnamese population that came over during the 70's.
So, I'm going to get mad if there's any insinuation at all that there's red in my wool, my family's wool, or anywhere close to the bloodline. Frankly, even just asking whether or not I had any red family members is MORE than enough to set me off. I don't care if it was an honest to God question with only the best of intentions behind it. Know your damn history, and just don't ASK those questions. It's basic. Vietnam War ends. Communists win. All of a sudden, there's a flood of Viets in America. Hurr.
But even if you decide to ask me that question, if you hear me get mad, REALLY mad, drop the fucking subject. I don't care if you apologize, I don't care if you don't, it doesn't fucking matter. I'm just mad, it'll be okay. But when I say to you "You DON'T ask a person from a communist country if they have communist family members", I'm NOT asking you to try and undermine my statement by turning to a Chinese friend and asking them if they're communist. Their humorous response makes you feel all the more confident that you're in the clear and that it's perfectly awesome and fun to ask me if my family, MY family who lost people, who went through all this shit because of communism, that it's perfectly fine to ask me that STUPID question.
WHY. You KNOW me well enough, or at least I HONESTLY HOPE YOU DO, to know when I'm mad. WHY DO YOU PUSH THE ISSUE. BECAUSE YOU FEEL BUTT-HURT THAT I'M YELLING AT YOU? BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M BEING UNREASONABLE? YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE A FRIEND SAYS IT'S OKAY TO ASK THAT QUESTION THAT IT'S OKAY TO ASK ME? KNOW YOUR FUCKING AUDIENCE.
You don't know my family background. That's fair. You were curious. Fine. Is it unreasonable that I get mad? Yes, because I should just be able to explain my dislike of the conversation in a calm and considerate tone. But why do you insist on pushing the issue, knowing how mad I am? Why do you ALWAYS insist on trolling?
So the third movie in the Neon Genesis Evangelion remake tetralogy is now slated for a Fall 2012 release, which is really, really ball busting. I was really expecting the next Rebuild to be out this fall or winter, not... not a whole year more into the future. =/ Considering the first one came out in 2007, and the second in 2009, I thought it was a fair enough assumption to expect 2011, right?
Although, they WERE planning on releasing 3 and 4 back to back... not sure how feasible that plan is nowadays, but that was the original intent...
Well, I'm off to airport work. Let's listen to some Utada Hikaru - Beautiful World. Aside from being an awesome song in its own right, it's also the theme for the new Rebuild movies, so yay!
Gotta lose weight, gotta get in shape, gotta go to that gym gym gym gym gym gym gym...
Back when I just had that irregular airport job, the lack of things to do and steadier work hours finally convinced me to go to the gym. I had lost a dozen or so pounds, and was into a workout routine that I was happy with. Then the second job arose, and I casually forgot about the whole idea. Now I'm back to the old weight and it's beginning to annoy me again. NEED TO STAY DEDICATED!
Goal weight: 175. It's modest, and it's not skinny, but it's way healthier than the current 230, and I'm not gonna hate on that.
Raid in 20 minutes. Hopefully we get some heroic modes down and beef up the gear a bit. I need more healing output and mana longevity!
This post's song: Jea & Miryo (of the Brown Eyed Girls) - Love Is...
Waiting for the next B.E.G. album is driving me insane! Put it out already! Same thing for Jea's and Miryo's solo albums! Blargh! Give now!
I'm kinda psyched about John Grisham's new book, the Confession. It's been years since I've read his works, but I was immediately drawn in by the concept of the book's main character. I don't recall him ever writing with a bad guy as the main focus, so I'm wondering where he's going to go with this. If nothing else, I'm expecting messed up things and gasp moments.
Gonna drive home to visit the mother unit and the little sister. Haven't been back to the old house for a while, and the guilt's setting in. :x Gotta go spend some gas and put miles on the car just to say hi I guess!
Music for the moment: Masashi Hamauzu - Lightning's Theme (Blinded by Light) [Piano Collection]
Not Nobuo, but a solid effort nonetheless, and one that I thoroughly enjoyed. Hearing it live in concert at the Distant Worlds concert was tremendously awesome. I think I'm going to try to make at least one Distant Worlds concert a year, it was that fun. ^_^
World of Warcraft is kinda winding down for me nowadays. Logging on purely for raids has changed my... I think appreciation's a good word for that. It's changed my appreciation for the game. It's turned into an expensive chat room, for all intents and purposes. Sure, I'm pushing buttons and doing stuff on screen, but I'm mostly enjoying the chit chat and the social interactions, not so much the game itself anymore. It feels like it's about time to quit, but... can I bring myself to break this habit!? :O
Revisiting Ragnaros is not quite as nostalgic and awesome as I was hoping it would be. It just feels like a silly fight, and then there's loot to pick up. =/ I just want Galaxy of Starcraft or something now! Give!
Anywho, still raiding right now, be back later. >_>
Song for now: Telepopmusik - Just Breathe. My old raiding song. I used to play just this song on loop for 5-6 hours at a time playing WoW. It was very... soothing.
Well, it doesn't happen often, but I'm coming back from the Borgata trip net positive! No outstanding gambling loans, no guilt-ridden withdrawals from the ATM, no wandering the casino floor looking for random vouchers to cash and play... >_> And it was all thanks to slots! Who knew! Table games be damned, I'm gonna play me some Sex and the City! Even bought myself a nice Borgata hoodie. I think I'm going to start doing that with every positive trip. Maybe I'll actually have a small collection of casino related clothing by year's end.
... more likely though, I'll just have the one hoodie. <_<
So we just got back an hour ago, and I've got work in... two hours? I don't even know when I go in, but I'm gonna try to wake up in a few hours and call in to find out. I doubt that I'm scheduled for early entrance. Probably slated for a near opening shift or something.
I'm not gonna lie. I was kinda hoping we'd hit one of those big jackpot progressives so I could just quit and spend my time looking for my dream job. Also, sleeping in sounded nice today. Oh well.
An oldie but a damn goodie. Hikki's looking so amazingly cute, and all she's doing is the dishes.
Oh Hikki, what I wouldn't give to be those dishes...
........ <_<;;
On that... erm, not at all creepy note, good night/morning blog.
