Deteriorating

Migraines are coming on more often. Sometimes it hurts to even look at the digital light from the clock when I wake up. Nothing really seems to dull the suck when it comes on in force. Been told that maybe I should go get my eye exam. Vision does seem to be deteriorating at a fairly slow but consistent rate. Harder to read road signs at night.

Feels somewhat strange when ajusshi tells me I should cut back. Had more than a few people tell me the same thing recently. Waking up nights, unable to sleep. More and more moody. Odd aches and pains becoming more and more common. On some level, I know they're right. It's more an issue of whether or not I really care anymore. They all eventually fade away, though. Pushing people away, even while I yearn for some sort of connection.

I miss her. But she's right. No matter how frustrated or angry I get with her over things she does, I give out worse. Unwilling to just air out grievances in a constructive manner. Lashing out. Getting jealous when it's not my place to be anything more than just supportive. She's right. I'm hurting her. If not already, eventually she'll become too fed up with everything I do.

I just don't know what I should do. If I try to reestablish connection... I'll probably do it again. I'm not a good person, and I'm not good about handling myself. I should just cut ties now and let it be. I just... I don't really want to be around without her. It's stupid, it's selfish, and it's not constructive. There's no good reason for being so messed up over this. I just am. I can't think right. I can't function right. I can't stop and clear my head for one minute. She's always just there, and I can't seem to stop letting memories and regrets fill my mind.

Even when I drink, there's only a small window where it all doesn't seem to matter. The escalation to and the subsequent decline after, it only makes it feel worse. When I peak though, for just a little while, everything seems so... even. I'm in the here and now, and my thoughts... they feel muddled, not as frantic. Nothing tearing at my mind, screaming for attention. Just one step at a time. An escape from the rigors.

People are getting married. People are moving on with their lives. People are getting promotions, advancing, being happy, finding meaning. And I'm just being a stupid fuck, trying to just stay even, and failing at even that.